Death is such sweet catharsis

slasheress_x @ 2005-12-25T21:28:00

2005-12-26T05:31:41Z

Ten Minutes Ago
(used in Cinderella)

by Rodgers and Hammerstein
Ten minutes ago
I saw you,
I looked up when you came
Through the door.
My head started reeling,
You gave me the feeling
The room had no ceiling
Or floor.
Ten minutes ago,
I met you
And we murmured our
How-do-you-do's,
I wanted to ring out the bells,
And fling out my arms,
And to sing out the news.
I have found her,
She's an angel
With the dust of the stars in her eyes.
We are dancing,
We are flying,
And she's taking me back to the skies.
In the arms of my love
I'm flying
Over mountain and meadow and glen.
And I like it so well
That for all I can tell,
I may never come down again.
I may never come down to earth again.

This is what i sang when i was lonely on christmas 2005

2005-12-26T05:24:02Z

I Won't Say I'm in Love
Vocal: Meg (Susan Egan)
Music: Alan Menken
Lyrics: David Zippel

Disney's Greatest (Volume 1) - Hercules soundtrack

Meg
If there's a prize for rotten judgement
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history, been there, done that!

Muses
Who'd'ya think you're kiddin'
He's the Earth and heaven to you
Try to keep it hidden
Honey, we can see right through you
Girl, ya can't conceal it
We know how ya feel and
Who you're thinking of

Meg
No chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no

Muses
You swoon, you sigh
why deny it, uh-oh

Meg
It's too cliche
I won't say I'm in love

I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming get a grip, girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out
Oh

Muses
You keep on denying
Who you are and how you're feeling
Baby, we're not buying
Hon, we saw ya hit the ceiling
Face it like a grown-up
When ya gonna own up
That ya got, got, got it bad

Meg
No chance, now way
I won't say it, no, no

Muses
Give up, give in
Check the grin you're in love

Meg
This scene won't play,
I won't say I'm in love

Muses
You're doin flips read our lips
You're in love

Meg
You're way off base
I won't say it
Get off my case
I won't say it

Muses
Girl, don't be proud
It's O.K. you're in love

Meg
Oh
At least out loud,
I won't say I'm in love

(Hercules lyrics)

slasheress_x @ 2005-12-24T19:07:00

2005-12-25T03:15:16Z

omg! my darling turns 16 today. ah yes, i do believe it is the eve of christmas, isn't that just rad? hahaha. yes. radical (laughs jollily?) today i went by his house and he was all OMG and totally didn't say ANYTHING TO ME. wtheck. mean! but anyway, maybe he's just... iono. preoccupied. i miss you honey!!! happy 16th! ah. and merry christmas darling! hope to see you before school starts again! if i do maybe i'll forgive you for not giving me a goodnight kiss (wink)! hahaha. well merry xmas to every1 and happy new year!

heh, he's still not replying to me-- oh shit

Frustration Will Surely Be the Death of Me

2005-12-23T20:23:37Z

Frustrated to the point
Of incoherency,
No words can flow
From my head
Through my fingers
As so many thoughts
Race forth,
So many emotions
Threaten to bring
Me to the brink of
Insanity.

Words become jilted,
Primordial sounds
Escape me,
Unrefined motions
Are made as
All I wish to do
Is wail at the
Sheer stupidity
Of the world.

Teenage angst
Overwhelms me
As tears of anger
Will not fall
To relieve me of
The pressure
Of such chaos
In occurrence.

Survival of these feelings
Cannot be possible
As it causes a sense
Of inadequacy
And surges bile
From the pit
Of my stomach.

Migraines approach,
Eyes darting warily
As I grasp onto
My sole support
Before I lose
All balance.

Sitting here,
Cold, weary,
All I wish to do
Is welcome the
Comforting darkness
Before I finally
Collapse.

Within Death There Is Thought

2005-12-22T07:55:37Z

Sometimes my still body
Creates the illusion of death
As I remain unmoving
For more than moments
Eyes blank seemingly
Staring into the nothingness,
The void beyond.

Some may believe
That is what’s so
Delicately-dubbed zoning out,
However those are the times
That I have found myself
To be the most pensive,
The most contemplating.

As it is not lack of brain activity
That brings about these bouts of immobility,
It is the over-activity of inner turmoil,
Deep thoughts threatening
To overwhelm my fragile psyche.

Those are the times
When I begin to question my life,
The direction, cause, motives,
Resolutions, conflicts, certainties,
And doubts that haunt my every dream.

During those rare or maybe not
Times of stillness,
I would appear lifeless,
If it were not for the tears
That continue their descent
As my eyes continue
Their vacant gaze.

No one understands
But if they were to,
Does it matter?
Only one person
Is the source
Of all my agony.

Ironically, he is the one
That brings about
The happiest moments
Of my short-lived life.

The doubts still arise within me,
Daily, nightly, whenever
His reply is lacking.

He passed last night’s test,
But now a new pain emerged
Born from my own insecurity,
My fear of him leaving,
Of myself falling apart,
Not strong and independent
As I wont to be,
But as a crippled soul,
Shattered by wear.

Each night he does not reply,
My heart breaks a bit more,
As I remain waiting.
Is this what is perceived
As unrequited love?

What was once mutual,
I fear has mutated
Into qualms that
Disturb my very thoughts.

Only he can assuage my fears,
Allay my uncertainties.

Thank goodness
He remembered me
Again. My existence
On this depressive earth.

Darling, your reply was a bit belated,
But as I’m sniffling through my tears,
I could have never been happier.

I think to myself once more:
Is this really worth it?

You remain unaware
Of the tears I shed for you.
And I wish
To keep things
That way.

Yet…
The fear of
Being used
And thrown aside
Still remains.

Falling Into Nothingness

2005-12-21T05:13:32Z

As your lips slid across mine,

No worries arose.

However now as I sit

Creating horrendous pieces

To be dubbed poetry,

Speaking of doubt, of worry,

Of fear of loss,

All I wish to do

Is weep.

Each minute that passes,

Without a reply from you,

Makes little portions of my heart

To disintegrate slowly

Until finally

All that’s left

Is a void.

If you happen to come across this

One day, long from now,

Wondering why tears would flow

When such a joyous union would occur,

Has it not occurred to you that

One would need emotional reassurance

That this so-called relationship

Would last—that after our first

Shared kiss, I’d want at least

A farewell before my unbidden repose?

Tonight, if no reply ensues,

Perhaps tears would rock my body

To sleep, instead of your calm voice.

Perhaps my company will be nothing

But the poetry that only succeeds

In bringing about more grief.

Perhaps I shall die.

I do not wish to test you,

But I fear if I do not—

I fear that… perhaps later on

When I’m even further in,

I’d be hurt more than I am now.

However there is a side

That wishes to not do this,

To not have such an inane challenge

Such as the one in mind.

As if you fail to pass,

Would I die anyway?

I have very meaningless worries,

But are they so worthless?

Am I wrong to hope

That as I sit here,

Composing this about you,

I am to hope that you are thinking of me?

Preposterous is it? For maybe you aren’t

And I’m just… just there.

For you.

For your enjoyment.

Is that it?

A few more moments have passed—

Do you even realize the extent of my pain?

The tears that leak for you?

It’s better that you don’t.

This journal is not for your eyes

For it is a look into my very core.

And if you saw what was truly in there,

I am afraid that whatever you find

May not be pleasing.

If you reject me then,

Then I’ll know it’s for the true me.

Which would hurt immensely more

Than if you rejected this shell

Of myself.

I wish to show myself to you,

But how am I supposed to

When these uncertainties arise

As they have wont to do?

Do not use me, my darling.

Hurt me if you must,

Just don’t use me

Or I’ll surely expire inside

Possibly with you remaining oblivious.

But perhaps it is best kept that way.

I miss you

It kills me to admit it

As you may not reciprocate

Such moot emotions.

Where is my knight?

~SN 12.20.05

Save Me

2005-12-21T04:51:29Z

Tonight my troubles are intensified,

My worries are tripled,

As I cannot, will not, allow

My delicate heart to crumble

Entirely to ashes yet again.

Pathetically I wait,

Thirty minutes have passed,

And even more wretchedly

Tears that I had sworn

Would not flow

Have begun their course

Down the plane

of my smoothened cheeks.

Is this a test

That I have somehow failed?

Has this all been a journey

To discover the nature of my soul?

If it has been,

I am sorry to say

I have not succeeded

And will not

As I am far too weak

to bear anymore.

Lack of speech had bested me,

Abundance of words have been my undoing.

The balance impossible to strike,

I mourn my loss,

As you escape my reach once more.

Mere letters cannot begin to illustrate

The myriad of emotions

Conflicting within this vessel

Of tyrannous thoughts

Threatening to overwhelm.

Why is it that poetry

Is my sole escape from

The cycle of depression,

Happiness, and so-called love?

I do not wish to love anymore.

It only brings about pain.

But if I could love once more,

Perhaps he is the one,

Perhaps he can mend my broken heart

Just as I wish to be able to mend his.

For do not two broken hearts

Create one single whole?

Or is it too late

For the leaves to blow

Across the gentle breeze

To carry across my laughter

As your breath ghosts

By my wind-chilled ear?

Save me, my darling--

Catch me before I fall.

I fear I am too far in

To back out

Without dying within.

~SN 12.20.05

Qu'est-ce Que

2005-12-21T04:36:18Z

Qu'est-ce Que

Angst coursing throughout my veins,
Waiting for your reply so diligently,
Starving for some attention as
Time passes on too quickly.

Worrying about your opinion
Of me as tonight was monumental
Yet there was no attempt
At contact, am I unskilled?

Tears only wish to leak,
Yet this obstinate body
Which my soul inhabits
Will not allow for such
Monstrosities to occur.

Strength comes from resolution,
Not from indecision,
Hopeless pleas for love,
Futile attempts for affection,
Only leaving souls exposed.

Harsh winds rattle my frame,
Shaking from the desolate colds,
Was it worth it? Was it real?
Only time can tell as
I still await your reply.

One question on my lips
As the only thoughts
Within my vacant mind
Are of you.

What am I to you?

Perhaps this is not yet love,
But what words cannot describe
Thus far,
What actions can not comprehend,
Is the tortured nature
Of my soul.

I like you. But I’m afraid.

~SN 12/20/05

squees-a-plenty

2005-12-19T00:36:55Z

quick post just to squee about random events.

let's see... yesterday i got a hug! ((squee-ing has commenced)). and i hung out with some of my bestest amigos and... i bought stuff. lol.

and sean called today! it felt weird talking to him after a whole week of like... him avoiding me cuzza me being mad at him two weeks ago. lol.

omg. and i think i really really like tony.

well that's it for now cuz i have to shower soon. ^_^ visiting peoples tonight.

oh yeahh i gotta shop for a present for my pediatrician cuz he's the bestest guy and rocks much.

yayy.

((hug))

SARAHH U GOTTA GOOOO GET UR MAN SOME LUVIN.

byes!

slasheress_x @ 2005-12-18T16:13:00

2005-12-19T00:15:38Z

Liu Xing Yu

wen rou de xing kong
yi gai rang ni gan dong
wo zai ni sheng hou wei ni bu zhi yi pian tian kong

bu zun ni nan guo
ti ni bai ping ji mo
meng xiang de zhong liang quan bu dou jiao gei wo

qian ni shou gen zhe wo zhou
feng zai da you zen yang
ni you le wo
zai ye bu hui mi lu fang xiang

pei ni qu kan liu xing yu
luo zai zhe di qiu shang
rang ni de lei luo zai wo jian bang

yao ni xiang xin wo de ai
zhi ken wei ni yong gan
ni hui kan jian xing fu de shuo zai

shang gan luo tai duo
xin diu gei wo bao hu
pi juan de yan huo wo hui ti ni dou gan zhou

can lan de yan yu
zhi neng dian zui gan qing
ru guo wo cheng mo yin wei wo zhen de ai ni

qian ni shou gen zhe wo zhou
feng zai da you zen yang
ni you le wo
zai ye bu hui mi lu fang xiang

pei ni qu kan liu xing yu
luo zai zhe di qiu shang
rang ni de lei luo zai wo jian bang

yao ni xiang xin wo de ai
zhi ken wei ni yong gan
ni hui kan jian xing fu de shuo zai

yu he yun jian jian shang kai
sa xia yi pian wen nuan
wo yao fen xiang ni yan zhong de lei guang

pei ni qu kan liu xing yu
luo zai zhe di qiu shang
rang ni de lei luo zai wo jian bang

yao ni xiang xin wo de ai
zhi ken wei ni yong gan
ni hui kan jian xing fu de shuo zai

pei ni qu kan liu xing yu
luo zai zhe di qiu shang
rang ni de lei luo zai wo jian bang

yao ni xiang xin wo de ai
zhi ken wei ni yong gan
ni hui kan jian xing fu de shuo zai

ni hui kan jian xing fu de shuo zai

slasheress_x @ 2005-12-17T08:02:00

2005-12-17T16:04:40Z

I MISS YOU RACHEL!!! yeah. that's the post for today. (grin) she's finally 16!!!!!! woohh

i'm too cold to write much else. oh yeah.

this is how it went: COT-- dunno. math test-- uhhh. i know i got at least 2 wrong... english test-- B'd it. grrr. stupid ordering... u know how u can miss one number and all the others are thrown off? GRRR english essay-- yay. french class-- finished the movie, it was sad cuz she dies in the end, :( chem-- nooo friggin winter hwk whap-- yeah. reading. memorizing a buncha shit

ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE.

do the chicken dance.

i've gone insane. someone help me before i go eat... MUSTARD. eww. ewwww.

KETCHuP ALL THE WAY.

oww. (cough cough)

slasheress_x @ 2005-12-16T17:31:00

2005-12-17T01:38:13Z

being around you causes blood to rush to fill my cheeks cold from the frigid winter air,
wishing to have your arms around me once more to be envelopped in an embrace as tender as your heart,
waiting for the hours to pass before the last bell has rung when we can be reunited for mere moments that i hope would last an eternity,
looking but not seeing until you finally shine through the dark haze of depression acting as a symbol for hope in a time of despair.
thou art myne soul--
warming my numb fingers shielding them from the cold morning breeze,
i wait for you to look at me
and when you do all i can do is
giggle inanely until i am forced to look away.
but maybe one day i can hold your gaze,
whisper words of affection by your ear as our breaths intermingle,
eyes misted over in amour
and finally just tell you how i feel.
how things should be.
you and me.

update woot

2005-12-15T12:06:07Z

heh... GRRR. u know what sucks? i can't log in to my library account to renew (which i FINALLY FINALLY got to doing after two days of planning (if i did it two days ago i wouldn't owe the central Torr. library money lol)... yeahhh...

today is kinda big but kinda not.
tomorrow's like SUPER UBER BIG THO. cuz it's COT DAY. finally. i'm praying for a reprieve tho cuz i'm crappers at essays. but whatever. lol. uhhh. lesse... today I have one chem quiz 0 period, Othello objective test (at least the TW is done), and a test for math (guh) on quadratic stuff. i hate it hate it hate it.

guess what? Iono who reads this (all u lurkers) but i'm over my history teacher. officially. haha, hope he doesn't see this... i wasn't like TRULY into him-- just like. iono. he's sooo cool.

haha... yeah... and omg. "weed" has been given up on too. not the drug, the person. lol. i know it's a stupid nickname lol. guess i gave up on said person three weeks ago (seeing as i haven't seen that person since then)-- i don't even wanna say his nammmee... (sigh) yeahh. but i kinda like someone new, but not so sure yet. haha. i hardly know him. so iono.

wow i'm wasting study time doing this so early...

it's cooold.
i had a dream that it was raining
and people were like... cold too.
and iono. i wore my hood (that's all i could remember ^_^)

i watched monk this morning! lol. it was the new christmas episode... omg. that guy is sooo funny. and the detective too. dunno his name tho. lol. gawdd i love that show.

uhhh. i'm getting outta HGTV cuz it's too addictive. so yeahhh.

well, off to finish off some stuff and then... omg. i caught my brother's virus cuz now i'm like barfing stomach acid into the toilet. hahaha. (barfs) well. it's mostly gagging cuz all i drank this morning was some soda. too much caffeine, i presume. lol. WELL.

TWO MORE DAYS OMG.

i'm going to liiiiveee.

darius is sleeping. i love him sooo much. socrates too.

oww. bye.

slasheress_x @ 2005-12-01T04:57:00

2005-12-01T13:00:43Z

omg. second student congress of this school year today. lol. i'm awake just prepping still... YAY i did all my math homework! so i'm guessing tonight i have another hour of math, hopefully i finish all my chem during school, and then all i have left is WHAP work. guh. O.o nooo. sooo yeaah... ^_^. i gotta get dressed now... blah. blah blah. i wanna kill some banana.

rawr.

fear me.

-stephanie-

guh, got sick and overslept

2005-11-19T23:27:13Z

I cannot believe I missed the varsity IE tournament today... lol. i just woke up from the loonggestt nap i've ever EVER had in my entire sophomore life... ((looks sheepish)) VARSITY TOO. guh. I wanted to spar sooo friggin bad... but whatev. I didn't like my A event anyway. but my B event... *tear* i wanted to do SPAR this time and then Media Broadcasting for my next IE... but i suppose I'll have to choose now... ((sigh)) well, good luck the rest of the NHS DEBATE TEAM. I wish I was there. but now that I've finally taken a day off, I'm going to go hang with my friends FINALLY. first time in like... 3 months about. YESH, it sucks. but I called a bunch of friends and we're heading to Galleria soon, like at almost 6 ish... to watch HP4. yay! wow, that sounded fruity, but whatev...

now i'm sitting in my swirly chair, wondering if my mouth tastes icky, and typing in my livejournal... wearing... a t-shirt with some monkeys on it, a skirt that I didn't quite right (it's hanging off my hips cuz I'm feeling too lethargic to button and zip) and some underwear. Wow.

-stephanie-

DARIUS

2005-11-18T01:34:47Z

DARIUS!!!!!!!!! woot u rock. yah, I'm still **THAT** bored... I have some hwk for chem, math, and french though... ((giggles)) but I'm talking to someone, singing Pardonne by KYO, and watching HGTV woot.

slasheress_x @ 2005-11-16T18:24:00

2005-11-17T02:28:10Z

bwahahaha!!! i think I have a new crush, as crazy as he may seem. ^__^ iono why though... maybe it's just cuz he's teased sometimes... lmao, big clue there... but yeah. i actually hardly ever talk to him though... but a few things to note: he is not a freshman or younger, or a senior. (so that rules out gil and riju lol). yeesssh. i'm so sleepy. on the bright side, i did reasonably well on my chem exam, not spectacular, but it's an improvment over the *beeping beep* i got before that. oh man, that's censored. lol.

yessh. sleep hath come swiftly.

-stephanie-

<33 i'm going to go to Subway one of these days...

slasheress_x @ 2005-11-13T09:44:00

2005-11-13T17:52:02Z

yay, i learned how to use lj-cuts!
The Past, The Present, The Future.
Yesterday, I was so wiped that I fell asleep before brushing my teeth again right after Law and Order: SVU. and when I woke up at midnite, I hadda go brush em... ((sigh)) tirreedd...
Today: I feel like writing. But I have a ton of homework left... well, not really. but a tonna studying. Ah, the life of an aspiring author is jaded (haha, can the term 'jaded' be used in this context? i think so, not sure but i thought it would fit...) Wow, this is so informal.
Tomorrow: my list of omg!: chem test. MAJOR POINTS. if i get an A, i'm going to write like CRAZY. if i get a B, i'll write a little. if i get below 85, I'm going to weep then study for hours instead of reading and writing (which i am currently doing now). I am sooo a humanities person, not into math and sciences, although I've found that I have a knack for math, science, not so much. I'm thinking that's all there is that's exciting tomorrow, if a test qualifies as that... oh, and I hope I made cast auditions for the dance routine entitled "Shake It Off." YESSHHHH.

But who cares?

((I must leave to stop procrastinating. hehe... I <3 my LJ muahz!))

-some poop-

dog poop.

i'm THIS bored.

--stephanie--

i'm even letting this posts of thoughts be public! lol. yay me!

Delicate Dances

2005-11-12T17:51:17Z

Read a few lines, if you like it, click the lj-cut!

tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: i'll write one now for u if u want
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: give me some terms
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: like what perspective
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: what u want to happen
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: hmmm
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: (e.g. bj, handjob, no sex, cuddling, etc)
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: cuddling! & hardcore sex. LMAO
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: so cuddling!guy and hardcore!topper
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: lol.
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: or u want them both to be hardcore!guys and then cuddling!guys
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: i want the second one. ;]
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: so what perspective 1st, 2nd, third?
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: 2nd. lol
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: are u okay with brothels? cuz my mindset is on them now
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: lol
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: haha sure thats fine. lmao
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: u wanna be the customer or the trick?
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: or should i surprise u
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: suprise, whatever sparks your mind. lol
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: it myte suck tho cuz i'm not as good at improm, but i'll try
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: should i include the Show or just bypass it cuz it's uneccesary
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: lol whatever you want! your the writer ;]
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: His finger is on your jean-clad arse, lightly circling before giving a playful squeeze. His eyes are on your chest, hidden behind an oxford, dress tie, and vest as his other hand works to undo some buttons

tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: you gaze up at him, looking forward into his hair, as his eyes are still downcast performing the task at hand
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: his hair, golden in hue, shines in its own sparkle, mesmerizing you as you restrain from giving a sniff.
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: you know that any form of true affection may scare your precious julian away
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: JULIAN oh yea.
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: he is but a whore-- you tell yourself mentally-- don't get attached
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: but somehow, along the line, you couldn't stop yourself from coming to the infamous brothel everyother day... the days he was due for the Show
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: you couldn't stop yourself from leaving your dog and your white picket fence in favor of someone--something, you quietly remind yourself-- less stable
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: his smile is bare during the Show, merely as a facade for the pain you know lies deep down, but he is unwilling
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: unwilling to let go of his strong mask of lies he has created for the amusement of others
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: and you leave it that way, careful not to disrupt his meticulous routine
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: your shirt is finally undone, leaving your taut chest bare
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: his fingers lightly graze your male nipples hardening them to a peak before his mouth swoops to devour them causing you to mo--oh don't stop, not yet-- to moan without reserve
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: but your precious julian is talented, as your friends have also claimed. you forgot about his multi-tasking ability, but are reminded abruptly about his skills when his hand goes to your swelling organ
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: you try to grasp onto someth--oh, gawd, don't stop julian-- your hands find his shoulders
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: and dig into them harshly
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: not noticing that they were causing him slight pain
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: but there's an easy smile that graces his pristine lips
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: his eyes still never meet yours during this process, but your mind, too hazy with lust, does not notice.
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: so?
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: i love that quote " tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: but there's an easy smile that graces his pristine lips"
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: go on .lol sorry ;]
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: i mean whaddya think of it so far?
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: haha, last time i was just messing with my friend so basically, it was mainly a sex scene
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: this is like emosex
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: lol
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: its so
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: so? like it?
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: intense
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: yes yes!
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: lol
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: 2nd person perspective is hard to vary sentence structure
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: kk, where was i...
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: your hands weave into his platinum blonde locks and cradle his head with a gentleness you were unaware of having
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: somewhere along the line he has removed your jeans.
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: and exposed your hard, wanting cock to the night
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: hahahah
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: kk
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: want me to continue
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: sure lol
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: with more smex, or should i... end it with a cuddle
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: and be like 2 hours later...
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: hahahahha
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: lmao. lol
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: ooh, wanna be in my lj?
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: i wanna post this
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: lol
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: haha sure if you wanna post it
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: i dont mind.
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: lol
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: lol
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: okay...
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: so continuing...
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: your prick is velvety smooth, and becomes even more so when he grazes his tongue across the moistening tip
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: and under
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: and over-- ohmyfuckin--- he's talented.
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: Through all this haze, your mind somehow has a subconcious, envious line of thought---too talented, julian is mine alone-- you look down and again only see his silky strands of gold
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: head bobbing gracefully, you watch as your prick disappears and reappears out and in and out and into his delicate mouth
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: and as drool and precum leaks from the corners of his mouth
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: his hair has become dishevled, you idly notice, and yours most likely has too.
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: his cheeks are rose-tinted with the night's exertions but he's still working
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: still moving, gyrating against you as his mouth envelops your stone-hard erection
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: your close, so close, but you hold on, pulling his head up in for a kiss
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: his eyes are off to the side, but distantly, you notice how utterly gray they are, containing a misty quality that is so uncommonnn
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: you spread him, lube him, and thrust deeply-- darius-- you hear him whisper lightly as his forehead rests on yours, his mouth close to your ear giving harsh intakes of breath
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: he doesn't need too much preparation as you've done this numerous times in the past, each very much the same, but something's changed this time.
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: and you finally realize it
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: you continue to thrust...
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: omg. wow. lol
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: and look down to see his erection straining against your stomach
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: he's unsatisfied
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: so you reach down and caress it lightly, but with each thrust, you increase speed and force
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: he's sweating lightly, but you're too enraptured in the act to care
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: his breathing becomes shallower, and you know he is close
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: and finally--finally-- you both touch the skies together, and you could almost swear you heard him whisper something in your ear during that moment of white, blinding euphoria
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: but for now you don't notice anything besides the gentle beat of his heart, not even the tears that silently escape his misting eyes.
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: You fall asleep soon, too soon to notice... his eyes are finally on you.
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: omg..
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: his lips lightly graze your forehead before he leaves your side, a single tear falling onto your cheek. he quickly, but gently, wipes it off
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: the Show is going to happen again tomorrow anyway, and he tells himself--Au revoir-- until tomorrow. Then, maybe then-- things can change.
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: tadaaah
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: whaddid u think?
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: omg
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: thats wa slike so sad!
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: at the endish.
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: i was gonna write...
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: "sadly, the next day, you hear news about Julian, about his tragic fate"
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: but i didn't
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: cuz it woulda been way too sad
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: lol..
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: i thot
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: it was wonderful!
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: ;]
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: even if julian dies?
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: yea. i thot
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: or without julian's death
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: at firsthe was dying.
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: julian doesn't die for real
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: aww
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: hahahaha
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: lol..
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: i almost cried when i wrote this
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: im not sure why, but im like omg! he is dying..
Xx sQu3aKeRz xX: awww. lol
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: time to post

OMG you guys i applied for a job woot!
and if anyone wants an impromptu fic i'll be happy to make one [slash]

Beginning of a Drabble-y Tale (Romantic PWP)

2005-11-11T21:21:35Z

tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: ima write something...
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: You stare at him, but he is unaware of your scathing looks. You look down and notice that your pants are beginning to tent, so you subtly shift, like always. The Show has begun once more.

tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: his eyes are trained to yours, and you become shifty
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: eyes trail across your body, fingers ghost across the hard plane of your chest as a wayward hand caresses your male organ
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: LMFAO
cluelesstamachan: wat the hell???
tAiNTEDrETiCENCE: it's the beginning of another tale
cluelesstamachan: haha

yes. it was an odd conversation... hahhaha... i was gonna write a fiction piece just for the helluvit... cuz i felt so sad bout reflections regrets... but i tried writing in second person perspective... opinions so far? ((it's a guy-guy thing, btw, it's just not clear yet. lmao. yes, the "you" is a guy, and the "he" is also a guy. YAY FOR SLASH))

Demise of a Feline-- Entry for Reflections Contest

2005-11-11T21:19:13Z

lmfao, I'm finally releasing my Reflections entry... cuz i couldn't friggin find out how to paste stuff from MS Word onto Livejournal.. lol. omg. the poem in the beginning, i didn't have it in the entry cuz i was stupid and didn't think bout it. i knew SOMETHING was missing, but couldn't put my finger on it... and i was editing my profile for aim this morning, and guess what? i found out the poem i wrote to grieve would have been the completing component of my thing. oh well... ((sigh)) there's always next year.

The Demise of a Feline

Entry for Reflections 2005-2006

Scarlet gems created by your adept hands

litter the tapestry so gracefully

It's pristine surface rough with the ridges

The creation of such rubies...

was it worth it? To see me bleed so.

I never wondered why. Curiosity killed the cat; it happened so often in history that it should be, if not already, declared a maxim. Father always warned me not to speak to the Roman neighbors next door—I never questioned his orders as father always knew best. I never wondered, not even when he and his family arrived. He was just another one of them, Roman to the very core. I did not despise him, or them, completely, but my father always would have a sneer on his visage whenever they came too near. I never wondered why.

He and I first met one day at the Parthenon to offer prayer to the gods—I did not recognize him when he was dressed in Greek attire, but when I think back upon it, he did have that familiar unruly mass of black that he managed to dub hair. I did not wonder why his robes would pillow around him, would not wonder why, if I even noticed, he always seemed to smell of saffron with a hint of vanilla. I would not wonder why my insides seemed to flutter whenever we had a roll around the grass, wrestling as we boys tend to do. Nor when we’d attend the communal baths together and I’d feel slightly aroused, but passing it as customary for a young man my age. I would not wonder if he ever felt the same, or if my father would approve. I would not wonder why his eyes seemed to sparkle whenever we spoke within the short week that I was allowed. I would not wonder why I was overcome with queasiness when I found out who he truly was at the end of the week, when father happened to pass us by and backhanded me. I did not wonder about father’s reaction either—it was to be expected. He was a Roman. I did not wonder why late into the night.

For weeks, I did not acknowledge him. I did not wonder why I never received post, nor why his discus failed to plummet once more onto our land as it had so often done so in the past, waiting for me to return it. I never wondered why my eyes would cease to stray to his, for whenever my glances are upon him, he is unseeing. I’d imagine my eyes would become misted at times, as I lay them upon him, but again, he fails to notice me. I never wondered why.

I never wondered why he moved away. I never wondered if I was the reason for it, or my father. I never wondered why I found myself drawn to the Parthenon, where we first met, to try to perhaps catch a glimpse of him before he and his family left. I never wondered why, in my spare time, I’d repeatedly scrawl the word Darius onto spare bits of parchment, or why I’d then incessantly cross those words out until the parchment would begin to tear under my ministrations. I would not wonder why, long after he left, I began taking to sniffing a set of his night clothes that I had borrowed precisely two days prior to his departure, causing him to search adorably in confusion. I never wondered why moisture escaped me two days after my abduction of said night clothes. I never wondered why I could not watch.

Hours turned to days, days turned to weeks, and weeks to months. I never wondered why I continued breathing in his night attire, trying to catch some remnant of a scent long passed. I never wondered why I remained in Greece once my father passed away. I never wondered why I did not pay fanfare to the many women that threw themselves at my feet once my time for matrimony had come. I needed heirs, surely, but they could wait as I had a few tasks that must be completed before marriage and wedded life could take place. The first of them was burying my father.

I never wondered why tears of grief did not leak. I never wondered why I traveled to Rome a couple years later, one thought in my mind and a single name on my lips: Darius.

He was already married when I had finally found him. I never wondered why I did not merely send congratulatory greetings, instead opting to watch his life from afar, careful not to break any spell that his faultless life had contained. I had never wondered if he was happy, or if he would leave his flawless life that he had created to start anew with me, as friends, or perhaps something a bit more meaningful.

I had never wondered why I found a dagger in my hands a year later, metal in my flesh with maroon tendrils of liquid escaping me. I had never wondered why I chose to carry out my final task in front of his domicile, his perfect home. I had not wondered, or become aware of, why Darius was carved intricately into my chest, dagger remaining at the end of the final letter. I had not wondered why in my last moment, my life did not run behind my eyes, like many would claim, but instead, all I could remember was a voice whispering in my ear in the darkness, in the still of the night, that everything was alright, everything was going to be okay. Then it ended. And I did not wonder what that voice was or meant; I just didn’t. I did not wonder if proclamations of love were said. I did not wonder if my name was ever on his lips, Julian being his sole thought, his reason for living. I never wondered why I hoped he pictured our male bodies entwined as I had previously in the dim of the night, or if my name was what was uttered from his lips. I never wondered why his face was so engraved in my thoughts that upon completion I’d see it for a mere ten seconds, grasping onto that short time for as long as possible. I never wondered how his body would feel beneath mine, or mine beneath his, our breaths catching upon union. Not even when it was all over—or perhaps, until it was.

But maybe… just maybe if I had the chance to begin this tale once more, maybe killing one cat would not hurt so much. I wonder why…

The Tale of The Club of My Dreams

2005-11-01T12:58:30Z

sad as it is, the best club on campus is down to six (oops, it's nine) members.

Our secretary quit and the prez has proclaimed that I am to be the one to take up his duties since i'm VP. guh.

I'm so tired.

NINE. NINE NINE NINE.

sometimes more members would be good for sweepstakes' plaques... but then again... most of our members also enjoy the close knit group over a mass of people who merely socialize.

Our club actually does some cool shit.

There's a tournament on November 19th I think...

VARSITY IE though. GAH. I'm doing SpAr and Storytelling if i can memorize these 6 pages by then.

but my state quals events are probably going to be OI (oratorical interp) and Impromptu. or OPP. lol.

anyway. PEOPLE SHOULD JOIN S/D CLUB

cuz it rocks.

and cuz we really don't sit around and do nothing, we COMPETE. and win sometimes. it's fun. REALLY.

-stephanie-

Friends, Tournaments, School, Literature, Worries

2005-10-30T15:56:45Z

do you know what?
(regarding friends, debate, school,lit, and apprehensions)
Recent occurances have left me with one friend less, however I have discovered that although it is a pain to remember to avoid that person, I'm happier now... I guess it is true that sacrifices must be made huh. guess what? I was so perky yesterday~ i even won a Superiority award in Spontaneous Argumentation for the IE Tournament! lol. i'm sorry if i come off as bragging or arrogant, but i've seriously hardly ever won ANYTHING of such importance to me in my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE. so that's why I'm making it so public. lol. but if i win another S then i'm not gonna post for it... only if i win a trophy next time. ::grin:: at least i'm improving right? haha. i feel kinda bad tho cuz i have one semester more than the other novices on my belt for IE. ::blushes:: gah. but oh well. with experience comes confidence. but i SOOO should kicked that guy's but in my round two... it's only cuz he knew about some flu that i didn't know ANYTHING about that i got 2nd for that round. GRRR... and he was soooo infuriatingly calm!!! he got an S award too i think. or maybe the trophy... dunno. but anywho...
i'm so tiiiired. cold. happy? sad. i miss Socrates still.
But that doesn't mean I don't love Darius. cuz i DO. just as much as socrates. but they have dif places inside u know?
hm. interesting. how sometimes ppl say there isn't enough room in a heart to love all these ppl... but it's like for puppies, room is created... huh.
now my fingers are numb cuz i left the door closed so the heat from the house heater isn't getting in and yeah... ::sigh:: i'm sounding so teen-agery in this post. but who cares now? I'M SO HAPPY. oh! and IE Varsity Tourn. the 12th or 19th of october. I might do Storytelling, dunno. cuz i doubt i'll have a dif speech memorized by then. ::cries:: lol. i KNOW i'm doing SPAR, so all u SPAR-ing varsity's... HAHAHAHHA.... HAHAHAHHA. next semester i might be forced to be labeled varsity for IE, but i don't wannnnaa... cuz then i won't ever win another trophy cuz varsity ppl are sooo kick-assy... ::cries insanely:: nooooooo.
but hey... that'd be cool if we have those letterman's jackets... doubt it tho. but wow. yeah.
interesting... i should ask mr. j... ^_~
yeaaaah... now things regarding love perhaps?
GAH. on the bus back from CCHS yesterday beccah and i thought Gil was asleep so i was like "psst. would u date him?" and she was all "NOOO" and i was like "i would! but then again... he is kinda arrogant" but i think all he heard was me saying i would date him... and he was awake the WHOLE TIME, just listenin to something on his lil game thing... so i was MORTIFIED. like... giggly with beccah and OMFG with gil. but oh well. i'm not into him like that now anyway.
and really. i'm not into any guy seriously rite now. so much is going on, and i'm trying to focus on three main things: school, debate, and darius. yes, i am a nerd.
OMFGOMFGOMFGOMFGOMFGOMFGOFMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i forgot to finish up my reflections entry. FRIGGIN NOOOO.
i did one entry, but after reading some fanfics and finding out that my fave author styles are nothing like my own, i'm left... wanting to edit like crazy and make a few more entries. i have 2 weeks tho. phew.
SHORT STORY FRIGGIN YEAH.

hwk. hm. i have... not much surprisingly. but i have to study for a lotta stuffs. YEAAAH.
and some of my friends have a myspace and want me to get one again. and again, i refuse.
myspace is for trenders.
i'm not a trender. i'm... well, not conventional... but more... obstinate. haha. yeah. not really into change much.

SO YEAH. i might write some slash soon, i'm doing some slash for my reflections entries... but hm. i wonder how the judges would react to that? ::giggles:: OMFGOMFGOMFG. byes!

-stephanie-

slasheress_x @ 2005-10-29T19:45:00

2005-10-30T02:47:17Z

Your results are in!

The Priss
Deliberate Brutal Love Dreamer (DBLDf)

Mature. Responsible. Aristocratic. Excuse me. The Priss.

Prisses are the smartest of all female types. You're highly perceptive, and confident in your judgements. You'd take brutal honesty over superficiality any time--your friends always know where they stand with you. You're completely unfake. Don't tell me that's not a word. You're also excellent at redirecting internal negative energy.

These facts indicate people are often intimidated by you. They also fall for you, hard. You have a distant, composed allure that many find irresistible. If only more of them lived up to your standards.

Your exact opposite:
The Playstation

Random Gentle Sex Master

You were probably the last among your friends to have sex. And the first to pretend that you're pregnant. LOL. Though you're inclined to use sex as weapon, at least it's not as one of mass destruction. You're choosier than most about your partners. A supportive relationship is what you're really after. Whether you know it or not, you need something steady & long-term. And soothing.

ALWAYS AVOID: The Playboy, The Loverboy

CONSIDER: The Manchild

http://www.okcupid.com/personality?type=DBLD&g=2&o=1

go there. omfg. yeah.
that's me apparently. i'm "perceptive, have a distant allure, and... yeah. some other stuff. go read, very entertaining for a tiresome night. g2g for now. bb.
-stephanie-

worried.

2005-10-26T00:19:50Z

I'm so worried about things. That I won't go into too much detail about cuz this is going to be a public post. But if you're one of my best friends forever but w/o an lj, then... IM me. cuz i don't really want someone to see something really private to me if they're just skimming livejournals... hope u guys understand. please don't comment for this post if you don't have questions regarding this... cuz i don't really want other personal issues (regarding myself and some recent developments) to be in the comments for this post. thank you.
-stephanie-